Dating scammers: the romance scam online

The dating scam differs from other schemes in that nobody rushes you. On the contrary – the scammer writes every day for weeks or months, listens, comforts, makes shared plans. The request to transfer money appears only once the person is already attached. That is why victims not only lose their savings but also for a long time do not believe it was a scam.

This article covers how the romance scam works, how to recognise it and how to talk to a loved one who is caught up in it.

How the scheme works

1. Getting acquainted. On a social network, a dating app or in a game, an attractive, attentive person writes to you. The profile uses someone else's photos.
2. The cover story. Most often – a soldier working abroad, a doctor, an engineer on an oil platform or a businessman. This explains why they cannot meet.
3. Closeness. Daily messages, compliments, talk of a shared future. You are invited to move to another app.
4. The trouble. An illness, held luggage, a blocked account, a ticket to come and see you. You are asked to “lend” money.
5. Repetition. After the first transfer new obstacles appear. Sometimes a “lawyer” or a “customs officer” is brought in.

Variants of the scheme

Warning signs

• Strong feelings are mentioned very quickly.
• Video calls and meetings keep being postponed.
• The profile photos look as if they came from a magazine; a reverse image search finds them under other names.
• The story changes or the details do not match.
• You are asked for money, gift cards, cryptocurrency or to let them use your account.
• You are asked not to tell anyone about the relationship.

How to protect yourself

• Check the photos with a reverse image search.
• Ask for a video call – a live one, not a recording.
• Do not send money to a person you have not seen in real life.
• Do not share photos of identity documents or intimate photos.
• Talk it over with someone you trust – a scam is easier to see from the outside.

If a loved one is caught up in it

A direct “you are being deceived” usually triggers defensiveness – the person is defending not the scammer but their own feelings. Questions and checking together work better: “Let's look together whether these photos can be found elsewhere”, “Ask for a video call today”. If money has already been transferred, help them contact the bank and the police – without judging.

If there are threats to make photos public – do not pay: paying does not stop the demands. Keep the evidence and contact the police.

Frequently asked questions